Science department hides Dutch monster

WHAT IS HOPE COLLEGE HIDING? — Local authorities have taken matters into their own hands as Campus Safety officer goes missing. (Anonymous Source)

By Demogorgan

An investigation went underway on Tuesday when Hope College students reported suspicious screeching noises coming through the halls of the A. Paul Schaap Science Center. Campus Safety responded and inspected the center, finding traces of blood in the greenhouse. The Science Department states the noises and blood were caused by machine malfunctions and red-dye in student research experiments; nothing to be concerned about.

Still, two students have been reported missing along with a Campus Safety officer, following the initial investigation.

Colin O’ Connor (’83), was reported to have been studying late in the science center atrium Sunday night with his roommate. O’ Connor’s roommate claims to have left the study room to get a snack from the vending machine when lights in the atrium began to flicker. O’ Connor’s screams were heard, but upon return to the study room, he was nowhere to be found.

Julia Kirby (’85) was returning from Van Wylen Library to her dorm Saturday night. Her departure time was confirmed by the librarian. A number of Voorhees residents reported to their Resident Director that they heard sounds of a woman screaming and loud, animal-like growls corresponding with the time of Kirby’s disappearance. The RD of Voorhees called Campus Safety and an officer was dispatched to investigate the unsettling noises.

The Campus Safety vehicle was found next to the Science Center still running with scratch marks along the door. The guard has not been found and cannot be reached.

The Ranchor issued a reporter to investigate the strange things happening on campus. An anonymous source claiming to be involved with summer research came forward. The source shared that experimentation with inter-dimensional travel went underway this past summer under orders of new interim President Dennis Voskuil. The source shared, “President Voskuil is obsessed with the Upside Down.” The Upside Down is an apparent alternate dimension discovered in Holland Hawkins Research Laboratory. The source states Voskuil has ties to the laboratory.

Professors, along with selected student help, were successful in creating a pathway between multiple dimensions. Upon exploration, something followed Hope researchers back to campus. The source advised all students and professors to evacuate campus immediately: “We messed with things we were not supposed to. All I care about now is saving the students.”

President Voskuil denies all claims of the supposed leaked information from the source. “We would never endanger the lives of our students for a science experiment. I don’t know what is behind the disappearances, but local authorities have been working with our Campus Safety to put a stop to it.”

Campus Safety finds the notion of any inter-dimensional forces at work unlikely. They shared exclusive information that the FBI will be joining the investigation in search for the missing students. If the Hope Science Department has anything to do with the missing students, they will find proof.

Any information on the supposed creature on campus, should be reported to the authorities.

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*