Kim Jong Un is commencement speaker

YOU CAN BE POWERFUL, TOO — The Supreme Ruler of North Korea has been elected as this year’s commencement speaker. Faculty, staff and students prepare for his arrival and moving testimony.

Hope College is proud to announce that the final decision for commencement speaker has been made. The man set to give our graduates words of wisdom this upcoming May 6 has been an influential character this past year. Born on January 8 in 1982, 1983 or perhaps 1984, Kim Jong Un is a Korean politician who has served his people loyally as the Supreme Ruler of North Korea since 2011. Before taking power, Jong Un was rarely seen in public. He did not wish to comment about this. With these introverted tendencies, it is important that our college makes him feel welcome. We are not sure as to what year he was born, or whether or not he attended school, but one thing is for sure: He is set to fly to campus in just three short weeks!

At this time, it is unclear as to whether or not he will be addressing the crowd in English or in his native language, and it is suggested that students purchase a Korean to English  translation booklet. Kim is known for his love for Korea and is thought to perhaps dislike or even hate the Western world. As Hope prepares for the event, his words ring in our event planners’ ears:

“The entire United States is within range of our nuclear weapons, and a nuclear button  is always on my desk. This is reality, not a threat.”

This reminder serves to let all of us here at Hope know that this commencement ceremony must be perfect. But as we are meticulously preparing for this ceremony, we must also remember his declaration :  “Want to know what’s more destructive than a nuclear bomb?  Words.”

This is a great indication that whatever he is planning for this speech, he is sure to have an impact on our graduates.

In a brief interview, the Supreme Ruler’s secretary told Hope faculty that his talking points include “How to be  Better, Stronger, and More Powerful than Everyone Else,” and another more brief, related topic that also includes advice on how to master one’s skin and hair care routine.

He will be arriving to the football stadium by drone. We are unsure as to how this will be done, but we do not doubt that he will find a way. Do not be alarmed by the military presence that will be hiding in the soccer fields. This is standard precaution.

There will be cookies and cake out for family and friends who are unaware of the arrangements for this year’s graduation ceremony. We suggest that these are eaten quickly, in silence and without cheer as we prepare for the entrance of this year’s highly anticipated speaker. It is important we make him feel at home.

The event will be held on the football field. If you are interested in attending this commencement ceremony, it is highly recommended that you befriend a soon-to-be graduate to get in on the fun.