How to remain unproductive mid-semester

PROBABLY YOU — This guy seems to be overwhelmed by school and life- don’t fall into the same trap. (Oscar Royalde Academy)


As we reach the midpoint of the second semester, some of you may be wondering, “Jeez, how did I get so productive and successful this year? I want to get back to that blissful ignorance after Jack taught me how to not prepare last semester.” Well, if you have somehow, despite not preparing, come to find a successful rhythm, I am back to give you advice on exactly how to get the least out of your last two months of this school year as possible. Here are my tips:

Living Space: At this point you’ve gotten into a decent cleaning routine, right? This is the easiest change you can make to achieve success.

1. Make sure you immediately stop doing laundry. You can just wait until you go home, right? I’m sure your mom would love to do it, and smelling bad builds character.

2. Stop cleaning. Your roommate finally got you to start cleaning? Odds are high they’re trying to bring you down so they can succeed. This is your room and it should be as dirty as it can possibly be. Make sure that come check out time, your R.A. changes their opinion of you as soon as you open the door.

3. Remember that your living space is also a glorified trash can. Using your space like a trash can will not only maximize how uncomfortable you are in your own living space, but it will also minimize any productivity that would stem from an organized room.

Scheduling: Scheduling can make or break your semester in so many different ways. Because of that it is deeply important to make sure your schedule is as convoluted and incredibly stressful as possible. Here are some tips to minimize effectiveness:

1. Make sure to never use a planner or organize in any way. At the very most, set a series of unmarked alarms for events that you just hope you can remember.

2. Always overlap as many events as possible to not only anger everyone you’re involved with, but stress yourself out in the process. Have a group project? Make sure it coincides perfectly with babysitting. Have a get together with friends on Sunday? Whoops, we have work, bingo night, a paid massage and, because its Sunday(as we’ll learn later), an incredible amount of homework to not do.

Class: Class is still the most important part of going to college. At this point, you’ve learned more from classes than you ever expected. In fact, the more classes you take, the more prepared you feel to take on the real world and make your mark upon it. It’s the worst. Either way, for some reason you’ve been on top of your work, engaged, on-time and consistent in all your classes, so here are some tips to turn that mess into success.

1. You’ve done enough work by now why do any more? Its been a whole half semester, you can 100% get a B if you check out right now. Make sure to start missing class as much as possible; your success depends on it.

2. If you feel you must go, 100% try to figure out how you can be on your computer the whole time. Studies show that the less you pay attention during classes, the better you’ll do in life.

3. Again, there is literally nothing less important than class for success, so take these tips as you will. If you do want to succeed, remember that if you can, make class the smallest priority in your college career.

Homework: Homework is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Period. It is also “the only way to ensure you graduate.” I call baloney. Here’s the thing, while you may have fallen behind on not doing homework, its important to immediately fall behind. Key is, you can always last minute hope that professors will accept a mountain of late work. Here are some tips on how to fall behind:

1. Only do homework on Sundays and always make plans on Sundays. You have all day Sunday right? In fact, treat Sunday as if it is a timeless vortex of free time. That way, you can guiltlessly go to church, lunch, game time, dinner and play euchre till 9 p.m. That last-minute panic is your body thanking you.

2. If you feel you must do your homework, it is imperative you do the following: never turn it in on time. Even if you finish, forget to print it off, or leave it at home. This lets your teacher realize that halfway through the semester, you’ve entirely given up, so they should just give you that A. Also, never don’t forget to cite. You finished that paper! You can cite your sources in the morning no problem.

All I know is, we’re all just trying to succeed. And if you are looking for effortless failure, look no further than the tips here. Trust me, I’m an expert.


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