Let me start by saying I don’t have a car on campus, and this doesn’t bother me at all. I started taking Driver’s Training courses when I was 16 and soon found myself behind the wheel of one of the family vehicles driving around my small hometown. Initially I really enjoyed driving, but I started to notice that as I was driving I was shouting more and more at the people in cars around me.
So, I decided that while I really love driving, I hate other people who are driving. This spurred me on to a holy mission to bring the light and truth of good driving to all of you heathens. This divine message was passed down to me as a revelation here inscribed as, “The Seven Deadly Sins of Driving.”
1. Thou shalt not pull too far forward at stop lights and signs:
You know who you are. When you come up to a red light or a stop sign, you pay no heed to the pedestrian crosswalk that is inevitably spanning the street in front of where you should be stopped. Puny people are no match for your car, and besides, you need that extra few feet because you’re probably running late to your meeting, interview or public goings-on. Stop being a bad person.
2. Thou shalt not be dumb at a four way stop:
Okay, I’m going to teach you a lesson in taking turns you little baby-person. The person who reaches the stop sign first gets to go first. After that person goes, the person who arrived immediately after them gets to go next. This basic concept of taking turns will apply at this stop until time ends or all technology is destroyed, whichever comes first.
3. Thou shalt not honk when you are angry:
I get it, sometimes when you’re behind the wheel and trying to get somewhere, you get angry when people are being dumb around you. It happens to all of us, even to me. But, you kind sir/madam who are reading this, you are part of the reason that I get upset. When someone makes you mad, just yell at them from inside your car like I’m probably doing at you. The point is that your car horn is there to be used when there is an immediate danger and you need to warn someone around you, not because they’re going too slow and you’re just upset about it.
4. Thou shalt not forget thine turn signal:
Guess what? When you’re changing lanes in your giant two-ton metal contraption that could kill someone, it’d be really nice for everyone around you to know that you’re doing that. Luckily for all of us, every single vehicle that exists and is still street legal has a built-in way to let other people know. It’s called the turn signal, and tons of people should be taking advantage of this amazing, free feature. Sure the little clicking sound can be kind of annoying, but you know what’s more annoying? Car crashing caused by those who refuse to use that little turn signal.
5. Thou shalt not drive slow in the left lane:
Look, I know it’s probably not an issue for most of you crazy speed demons with places to be, but this is a legitimate issue that needs to be addressed. On many highways and freeways, there are at least two lanes going in each direction. The lane on the right is for sane people who like following those annoying little signs that tell you the max speed you should go. The lane on the left is for those other people who need to go 85 on the freeway. But it’s okay, because in the left lane, or the fast lane, this is an accepted speed limit. Do yourself and all those crazy, late people behind you a favor and get the heck out of that lane.
6. Thou shalt not pass on the right:
This goes along with the holy number five (crazy that divine revelation builds off itself). As long as people are doing what they should be doing and going fast enough in the left lane, I’m pretty sure you’ll be okay driving behind them, even if they’re only going five or ten miles per hour over. Trying to get up to 85 instead of 80 isn’t going to save you enough time to validate weaving in and out like you’re a Native American grandmother.
7. Thou shalt not refuse to turn off your brights when someone is driving towards you:
You people just can’t figure out how to figure out how to use your turn signal, but when it gets to turning your brights on, you seem just too good at that. In fact, you’re so good at turning that high-beam light on that it seems like you never want to turn it off, which can be a pretty big issue when people are driving the opposite direction. It’s dangerous for them, which means that it’s dangerous for you too since they’re driving mere feet away from you in a giant metal death machine.
Honorable Mentions/ You should be smart enough to know not to do these things:
Throwing trash out your window while you’re driving: It’s just rude, don’t do it.
Drinking and Driving: I know we’ve been having some laughs, but this one isn’t funny, it’s honestly super dangerous and stupid. Don’t do it.
Texting or playing Pokemon Go while driving: Look. Maybe your significant other has something really important to tell you. I’m sure it can wait for a few minutes. Or if it really can’t, pull over and see. If it’s so important you can’t wait to see it, then you should probably not be multitasking anyway. And if you think there’s a really cool Pokemon nearby, just don’t bother. It’s going to break out of the Pokeball anyway.
Let it be known that these are the deadliest sins of driving. Repent now ye monsters who commit these horrors, and give up your license. Or, make a note of what has been written and go forth and drive poorly no longer. Everyone deserves a second chance, although I’m sure this is probably the fourth or fifth chance for some of you. Either way, I believe in you, I know you can become a better driver if you really try.