What Does Yoda have to say about 2016

*This is part of The Ranchor issue of The Anchor, which is a satire edition of our student newspaper. None of this article is meant to be taken as fact.*

You could argue that 2016 has been the best year yet: The Cubs are headed to the World Series for the first time in forever, Pokémon GO took the world by storm this summer and Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar. However, this year is also arguably one of the worst years. Paris had a massive terror attack, we lost legends such as David Bowie and Alan Rickman and Americans look to flee the country as the 2016 presidential election looms closer. It’s difficult to come to an agreement on whether or not this year has been good or bad. It seems we could take some sage advice from someone who lives in a galaxy far, far away: Jedi Master Yoda. Here at The Anchor, we sat down with some of his more famous quotes to see what his thoughts are on 2016 across many different categories. What would he have to say about everything that is happening? How would he influence or change the events from 2016? Let’s take a look.

(Yoda-less photo: The Verge)

Television: Netflix came out with a plethora of original shows this year, including the widely popular “Stranger Things,” “Game of Thrones” wrapped up season 6 and we are getting a “Gilmore Girls” revival at the end of this month. What would Yoda have to say about all these changes and things to come as the landscape of television moves toward streaming? “May the force be with you.” We take this to mean that he likes the direction everything is going, and we should keep up the good work. Great job, 2016!

Movies: Oddly enough, Yoda had the same thing to say when it came to movies too: “May the force be with you.” Since Star Wars is cool again, we think this is his blessing for Disney to continue the movies. We also think that Yoda probably wants his own movie spin-off series, but we can’t be completely sure about this. His comment could also mean he was proud of Leo for finally winning his Oscar. Or, perhaps he was giving his seal of approval for all the Marvel movies. We really don’t know. As with TV, Yoda’s advice is surprisingly positive, and all-in-all, we’re doing something right.

(Yoda-less photo: YouTube)

Music: Apparently Yoda doesn’t listen to much music. We tried playing some of 2016’s popular songs to get an idea of what he thought, such as Calvin Harris’ “This is What You Came For” and Justin Timberlake’s “Can’t Stop the Feeling.” The only thing he had to say was, “Good relations with the Wookies, I have.” We take this to mean he prefers their culture and music over 2016’s, which doesn’t look well for the music industry. After all, Yoda knows best. The guy is over 900 years old! So, for 2017, we suggest that artists start doing some research into Wookies and maybe incorporate some of Chewbacca’s vocals into their next smash hit.

World violence: This was a heavy topic, and we were eager to hear what Yoda’s response was to the pain and suffering going on in our world. The first thing Yoda said was that “wars not make one great.” So for all of you out there that think fighting is the answer, you heard it from the best of the best. Wars don’t make you great (sorry, Alexander Hamilton). We thought he would leave it at that, but it turns out, Yoda had more to say.

“If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.” We take this to mean that he wants a lot more kindness and light for 2017, and we couldn’t agree more. Let’s strive to be Jedi, people, not Sith!

(Yoda-less photo: Variety)

Hamilton: Although this show came out in 2015, it gained popularity and spread to Chicago in 2016. Rap and hip hop usually don’t follow the rules of grammar in order to play on words, which Yoda is all about. When asked about Hamilton, he broke out into song. It wasn’t pretty. However, he changed the order of some words to classic songs, and we think that the Chicago Broadway version should consider adapting some of these changes, such as “Tonight, the Story Of,” “For It, Wait,” “Enough, that Would Be,” and “Uptown: Quiet, It Is.”

Presidential election: “Dangerous and disturbing this puzzle is. Meditate on this I will.” Same, Yoda. Same. Not going to lie, we were kind of hoping he would have better advice for this year’s election. Yoda refused to take a side and instead insisted on the whole meditation thing. Personally, we say that the best advice given in this situation is just go and vote. If you take the time to meditate like Yoda, you may meditate too long and miss your opportunity. We did push him to at least predict what would happen after the election, but Yoda was evasive once more. All he had to say was: “The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.”

(Yoda-less photo: Forbes)

Pokémon Go: “Do or do not, there is no try,” he said, while passionately pumping a fist into the air. Turns out, Yoda is a secret fan of Pokémon GO. You would think that he was part of Team Mystic because of the whole using the Force thing. Turns out, Yoda is actually die-hard Team Instinct. We think it has something to do with trusting your instincts and how a Jedi does that on a daily basis, but we aren’t entirely sure. He spent a long time trying to convince us to join the team as well, which we take to be a positive sign for Pokémon GO–it has Yoda’s seal of approval!

Sports: “You must unlearn what you have learned.” This was in reference to Yoda finding out that the Cubs are on their way to the World Series. After over 70 years of hating on the Cubs, we have to learn to embrace the fact that this might finally be their year. However, only time will tell.

Olympics: It seems Yoda is a gymnastics fan. I mean, after seeing his moves in “Attack of the Clones” and “Revenge of the Sith,” this really isn’t surprising. He was pretty angry that people trashed on team USA’s girls’ gymnastics team and their heights. In fact, he seemed to take our question about his thoughts on the Olympics personally, as if someone made fun of his height. “Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well, you should not.” At this point he stood up and did a few flips, as if to prove his point. We get it, Yoda. No one has any questions about how great you are.

There you have it, folks. Yoda has spoken.